I Want I want to be able to anticipate I want to be able to look out the window In the winter When things are quiet and slow My arms wrapped around me And know This is good This is very good My Mom My Mom… (at least according to the aunts and uncles talking, me, the child, playing with dolls or scrabbling under the table lost in my Gretel forest... ignored or invisible?) ….was uppity Didn’t know her place No defense. Not for my Mom, For such words were never put directly to her, And not for the child, For children have no defense Just a Girl She was just a girl Small, slight, blond, bland Laughing & walking in the line-ups at elementary school Hand in hand with another girl, other hand covering her mouth whispering secrets Her hand held under her armpit, sullen If with a boy Just a girl I didn't know, didn't care about Until the boy with the same name as my Daddy Disappeared After After I saw that girl different I watched her, furtively Out of the corner of my eyes instead of merely noticing her because she was in the scope of my vision I noticed her off in the distance on the playground And wondered Wondered what the girls she played with asked Wondered what she told them After our town paper screamed of his disappearance After all the people in the town had gone out looking for the boy After her Daddy had been convicted for trying to extort money from the parents of the boy After all the publicity in our small town Screamed of the extortion Screamed of the arrest Screamed of the trial After listening to my Mom & Dad and my Aunts & Uncles and their friends talk about the disappearance After I thought maybe the boy with the same name as my Daddy hadn't really been kidnapped But had run away He was retarded We called people like him that then But he wasn't that retarded, just a little bit slow and the son of the big boss mine man They lived in the big house After I thought maybe the boy with the same name as my Daddy had run away to become someone else After all those things had happened I watched the girl Who was the daughter of the man who tried to extort money from the parents of the boy who disappeared After all that I watched the girl more closely In the end she left town too Moved away I suppose so she could be just a girl Once again All I know is This Nestor Northumberland Nelson was a gentle young man with golden hair that watered down his back His voice was low and always soft, his hands were gentle in every way His eyes were liquid and seemed removed to some small quiet far off place Nestor Northumberland Nelson was a young man in the 60's His mind was slow, sweet, warm, soothing and kind His thoughts were of a simple life, small pleasures and quiet peace Nestor Northumberland Nelson was caught with one joint in 1969 and then spent 9 months in the slammer His successive reactions were bewilderment, fear, resignation and hate His time in the slammer was largely uneventful except he was raped Nestor Northumberland Nelson came out of the slammer and his voice was still low and soft but his eyes weren't liquid anymore His mind and his thoughts were cool, sad, resigned and hard His desire for a simple life and small pleasures remained but the quiet peace had been successfully removed | Etcetera We were on vacation driving through the Okanagan Valley Which according to my Time Atlas of the World (Compact Edition) Is open shrub lands (I think) It's hard to tell the exact colour (On the tiny map, my eyes older, the light dim) It could be croplands (It is croplands) Fruit trees, peaches, cherries & pears (Tomatoes too!) (Etc) My Mom & Dad were in the front seat of the car My Grandpa Odinsen, my brother Garry & I were in the back We were all a little weary Hot The Okanagan is hot (In the summer)
In the winter, middling winter (It gets the occasional cold snap below 20 degrees) Not as cold as the Cariboo (Not as mild as the Coast) (Fair bit of snow) We had watched mountain passes Through the car window And semi-deserts Had had a sandwich lunch & a campfire breakfast And had driven hard In a crowded hot car For miles & miles (Miles & miles) Miles & miles "Look!" my Mom said "Turn in there. See that sign!" And she pointed to a large sign A hundred yards Behind Professional lettering (Three bright colours)
A picture on it (Of a TeePee) "Where!?" my Dad barked Weary too Hot, tired, stiff (Confined) "To the right Frank. It's not a government camp The sign said it's a KeeWee camp." "What the hell is a KeeWee camp" GrandPa Odinsen Rumbled up From the right hand side (Window seat)
Me in the middle (The hottest) My brother beside me on the left (His hand out the window) "They're a privately owned camp site" my Mom explained Often they have showers & sometimes a pool " A pool!" I piped up Suddenly enlivened (By even the thought)
Of cool, blue, silky, wet, cool, weightless (Water) "Oh can we, oh can we, oh can we!" I chattered " We'll see" my Mom replied calm " We'll see" GrandPa Odinsen replied ominously "We'll see" my brother Garry mumbled so quietly only I could hear My Dad swung his head to the back seat (I became quiet) We turned off the paved road & travelled down a winding dirt one Entered trees & a patch of groomed grass And passed a children's playground My heart fluttered & I leaned over my brother Looking longingly at the slide He pushed me back roughly (I squealed)
GrandPa's hand flicked up (ForeFinger raised) Mom turned 'round (And scowled) Dad growled (I shrunk in my seat) "Over there Frank" my Mom pointed this time At a concrete block building with a sign over the door that said Office (I could read) Dad went through a gate Around a circular driveway Past the building labelled office And parked in a dusty parking lot Underneath a green hill And stopped the car Turned the engine off We all sat for a few seconds (Silent)
Getting used to the idea of not driving (Not moving through the air) Hot (Dry hot hot) Breathing (Hot air) Dad turned round & looked at GrandPa Checked out me And my Brother too "Well Gwen, what do you think?" he asked my Mother I looked longingly at the pool (Noticed the showers beside the office)
Checked more thoroughly the slide in the park (And the merry-go-round) Even my teenage brother had a soft smile on his lips (Watching the pretty girl at the pool) "Looks fine to me Frank" my Mother said With more enthusiasm in her voice Than she should GrandPa grunted (Dad made to get out of the car) "I don't like me here" GrandPa mumbled Dad swung open the car door (Letting in the heat) "I don't like me here" GrandPa said louder My Mom said "What?" "I don't like me here!" my GrandPa said with no doubt in the tone of his voice "I don't like me here!" My brother groaned (My Dad turned to face GrandPa) I moaned (My Mother looked straight ahead out the car's front window) Straight ahead (Without a word) "I don't like me here" GrandPa said one last time His arms crossed over his chest My Dad closed the door And started up the car again Drove past the office Around the circular driveway Past the pool & the patch of grass Up the dirt road until we hit the highway And then turned right (Or maybe left) |
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Dangling on a Hook > Poetry >
Before Time Began
Subpages (1):
Ashes to Ashes
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